ASSISTING individuals and families with RE-BUILDING their lives (which have been affected by financial difficulty) - GUIDING them to RESTORATION and HEALING
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Guidelines, Articles and Documents that will assist families with rebuilding their lives, which have been traumatized by financial difficulties, will be posted on this page from time to time. Please visit often to view progress.
Financial LOSS often results in emotional, relational, and psychological trauma.
Trauma must be dealt with as soon as possible after a loss has occurred, otherwise it will form triggers in the sub-conscious mind, which will manifest every time similar trauma is experienced. This can cause much harm and sorrow to the individual and his/her loved ones, as well as negatively affect their health, job(s) and holistic well-being.
People go through several stages after a traumatic event. Financial difficulties/distress causes much trauma in many people’s lives. It affects your relationships with the people you love and care about. It affects your work; your eating habits; your sleeping patterns; your thoughts; your exercise routines, and your "moods". You may not go through these stages in sequential order and you may find yourself returning to earlier stages along the way. All of this is normal for most people. The list below should give you an idea of the common types of emotions you can expect and how to overcome them.
Trauma must be dealt with as soon as possible after a loss has occurred, otherwise it will form triggers in the sub-conscious mind, which will manifest every time similar trauma is experienced. This can cause much harm and sorrow to the individual and his/her loved ones, as well as negatively affect their health, job(s) and holistic well-being.
People go through several stages after a traumatic event. Financial difficulties/distress causes much trauma in many people’s lives. It affects your relationships with the people you love and care about. It affects your work; your eating habits; your sleeping patterns; your thoughts; your exercise routines, and your "moods". You may not go through these stages in sequential order and you may find yourself returning to earlier stages along the way. All of this is normal for most people. The list below should give you an idea of the common types of emotions you can expect and how to overcome them.
Recovering from trauma and loss
Intro Stage – Shock, Disbelief and Denial
What you can do during this stage
Advance Stage – Anger, Unforgiveness, Withdrawal and Depression
What you can do during this stage
Intro Stage – Shock, Disbelief and Denial
- Your mind can attempt to temporarily block-out the trauma that you feel
- You can experience numbness
- You can experience emotional paralysis
- It is normal to try and exclude the painful feelings that accompany your loss/es
- Expect ups and downs in the healing process
What you can do during this stage
- Feel and acknowledge the pain (pain is proof that you are human and beginning with a healing process)
- Accept your circumstances, even if you cannot change it right away
- Remember that the greater your hurt or disappointment, the more time you will require to heal
- Give yourself extra time to rest, sleep and time to relax with people and/or things you love
- Don’t shut-out or exclude the people you love and care bout. Allow them to help you with your restoration/healing process
- Expect the healing process to be difficult, and to take time
- Maintain familiar schedules and routines as far as possible
Advance Stage – Anger, Unforgiveness, Withdrawal and Depression
- Expect these emotions to occur in response to the pain or suffering you experience
- Tearfulness and sadness are common during this stage
- “If only thoughts…” – don’t allow it to torment you and control your thoughts
- Unforgiveness, cynicism, bitterness and self-pity
- Disorganization, difficulty making simple decisions, and trouble concentrating
- Despair — it is usually short lived
- Pain needs validation – speak to someone who can assist you
- Remember that “broken hearts” require much care and time to heal properly. So too, emotional trauma requires time to heal.
What you can do during this stage
- Beware of the “If only’s…” don’t punish yourself and your loved ones
- Postpone making major changes/decisions until you have recovered from the hurt/loss
- Reach out to people you are close to. Seek professional help from someone you trust if you continue to feel alone or isolated
- List your resentments. For example, “I resent how much you make me seem like I’m to blame for your unhappiness.”
- Forgive yourself and others that might have led to your hurt/pain. This is VITAL in your restoration/healing process
- Recognize that anger is okay. It is what you do with the anger that is important. Don’t use it as a reason to remain angry and lash-out to the ones you love
- Guard against your words. It might hurt those close to you
- Don’t shut-out those you love, and allow them to contribute to your healing
- Allow yourself time to mourn if necessary — cry if feel like it
- Seek professional help if you feel you might act on suicidal thoughts
- Avoid stressful situations as far as possible
- Permit yourself time to grieve/mourn your loss/es
- Indulge in positive addictions like visiting with friends and family, exercising, exercising your hobby, taking your dog for a walk, hiking, break away’s, enjoying nature, manicures, smelling the flowers, bubble baths, etc.
Final Stage – Understanding, Accepting and Go-Forward
What you can do during this stage
- Be at peace with the financial and emotional hurt you have suffered
- Stop wasting energy wishing/hoping things were different than what they really are
- Come to terms with both positive and negative emotions and memories
- Accept what has happened, learn from it – then move on, looking for the meaning (what you have learned) of the loss
- Use emotional hurt to serve your personal growth and development, pursuing your goals
- Be less self-preoccupied and be focused on the things that really matter – like your relationships with your Creator, husband/wife, children, family, friends and colleagues
What you can do during this stage
- Recognize the return of self-esteem and reversal of other internal losses (affirmations)
- Develop new coping skills and begin to put your life back together
- Let go of all the guilt, pain and resentment through forgiveness
- Reinvest emotional energy to somewhere positive
- Discover the “new you” and your new circumstances, even if it might seems strange or uncomfortable
- Transform your loss/es into new opportunities
- Be positive and don’t repeat the mistakes of the past
- Live within your means
- Laugh and have some CLEAN fun
Financial fear creates tremendous stress for many couples – which often lead to anger issues, emotional and physical abuse & violence, adultery, and ultimately divorce. Yet, money problems can actually help couples draw closer together, rather than tearing them apart – if BOTH parties use this misfortune to evaluate their situation and grow through it TOGETHER.
While financial disagreements may be a real symptom of problems in a relationship, they are not necessarily the cause. At the same time, money often becomes the "currency of emotion" in a relationship. In the current economic environment, partners may often find themselves using money as a substitute for addressing common areas of relationship challenges, including . . .
Anger: There is danger in anger. If one person in a relationship does not feel his or her needs are important, or feels they are not being met, he or she may use money to express anger. Resulting behaviors can include overspending, or closing the wallet/purse so the other spouse has no money for necessities.
Neglect: Someone who feels neglected physically or emotionally by their partner may use shopping as a form of retail therapy. Or a spouse who feels guilty about neglecting his or her partner may overspend out of guilt. Either way, any feelings of relief will vanish quickly after the shopping spree is over – it is simply NOT worth the temporary relief.
Lack of communication: Many couples have no idea how much they are spending, either separately or together. It’s also common for one spouse to handle the money, and for the other one to be in the dark. Hiding purchases and secret credit card debt can create additional pressure. When couples start communicating about money, they often find communication improving in other areas of their life as well.
Some useful tips
Use your words, rather than your fists or angry/aggressive words.
While children, who act out [physically, rather than verbally] are encouraged to “use their words” rather than hit or fight, adults need to be reminded of this advice from time to time. If you’re angry or upset with your partner, don’t just grab the cards and head to the mall. Talk about your feelings, or at least write them down. Many people spend money unconsciously, so simply recognizing your feelings can be a first step.
Talk about your feelings/emotions, rather than your partner’s behavior or lack of emotion. A person will close their heart and ears as soon as their behavior is criticized or questioned. It is much easier to be heard when you focus on your own feelings/emotions. Discussing your partner’s behavior, on the other hand, often makes him or her feel attacked or belittled.
Take time to discover each others REAL needs – spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, physically, financially, and socially. Accept your partner's needs and love languages, even if they may differ from yours. Compromise is the key. Allow each other time to do what makes them alive inside – as long as it doesn’t violate trust and doesn’t endanger either party. Sometimes one partner will have unrealistic beliefs about where they should be financially, but more often they are confusing needs with wants. What most couples really need is love, acceptance, affection and understanding – none of which you will ever find in any store. You can never have enough of what you don’t need.
Create a plan together. Never has it been more important for couples and families to make the time and effort to implement a spending and financial plan together. It’s vital to present a unified front in the face of economic fear and uncertainty. Tracking your spending together is just the beginning of a positive relationship with each other, as well as with your finances.
While financial disagreements may be a real symptom of problems in a relationship, they are not necessarily the cause. At the same time, money often becomes the "currency of emotion" in a relationship. In the current economic environment, partners may often find themselves using money as a substitute for addressing common areas of relationship challenges, including . . .
Anger: There is danger in anger. If one person in a relationship does not feel his or her needs are important, or feels they are not being met, he or she may use money to express anger. Resulting behaviors can include overspending, or closing the wallet/purse so the other spouse has no money for necessities.
Neglect: Someone who feels neglected physically or emotionally by their partner may use shopping as a form of retail therapy. Or a spouse who feels guilty about neglecting his or her partner may overspend out of guilt. Either way, any feelings of relief will vanish quickly after the shopping spree is over – it is simply NOT worth the temporary relief.
Lack of communication: Many couples have no idea how much they are spending, either separately or together. It’s also common for one spouse to handle the money, and for the other one to be in the dark. Hiding purchases and secret credit card debt can create additional pressure. When couples start communicating about money, they often find communication improving in other areas of their life as well.
Some useful tips
Use your words, rather than your fists or angry/aggressive words.
While children, who act out [physically, rather than verbally] are encouraged to “use their words” rather than hit or fight, adults need to be reminded of this advice from time to time. If you’re angry or upset with your partner, don’t just grab the cards and head to the mall. Talk about your feelings, or at least write them down. Many people spend money unconsciously, so simply recognizing your feelings can be a first step.
Talk about your feelings/emotions, rather than your partner’s behavior or lack of emotion. A person will close their heart and ears as soon as their behavior is criticized or questioned. It is much easier to be heard when you focus on your own feelings/emotions. Discussing your partner’s behavior, on the other hand, often makes him or her feel attacked or belittled.
Take time to discover each others REAL needs – spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, physically, financially, and socially. Accept your partner's needs and love languages, even if they may differ from yours. Compromise is the key. Allow each other time to do what makes them alive inside – as long as it doesn’t violate trust and doesn’t endanger either party. Sometimes one partner will have unrealistic beliefs about where they should be financially, but more often they are confusing needs with wants. What most couples really need is love, acceptance, affection and understanding – none of which you will ever find in any store. You can never have enough of what you don’t need.
Create a plan together. Never has it been more important for couples and families to make the time and effort to implement a spending and financial plan together. It’s vital to present a unified front in the face of economic fear and uncertainty. Tracking your spending together is just the beginning of a positive relationship with each other, as well as with your finances.
TRANSFORMATION SA
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You are welcome to write to Pierre for guidance related to the trauma that has affected your family and you through financial difficulty and disstress. We are here to serve you in love and with humility.
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